Copacabana, Rio de Janeiro: 26oC, cloudy and rainy.
Three days to my birthday, a little self-doubt and despair continue. Now I have all of R$30 Reais to my name, which is U$6 Dollars or about £5 Pounds, to eat or buy something for me or the flat. There was no exercise out in the street today as I had an early class, so instead, I did some light exercises early at home without any rush, just to prepare myself for the day.
I have a pupil who usually pays me early. I have already asked him if he could pay me early so that I will have money for my birthday. Besides this, I will need this money to buy a present for Dudu-Eduardo. He is a teenage boy, the son of a pupil of mine who asked me to give classes to them both about a year and a half ago.
He now speaks English fluently, and we have also built quite a nice friendship during this time. I promised him a present during his last two birthdays, thinking I would visit Sao Paulo as they live there, and his parents are always inviting me to see them there.
So, this money that my pupil will pay in advance for the next month also has to pay for a gift for Dudu.
What kind of man at 56, nearly 57, is living financially from one day to another, broke, with no reserve, and in some ways a bit or even entirely in loser territory? I know that I am being hard on myself and should not compare, but my brother in England, a lathe-turner, a skilled professional, has his own house with mod cons, a good car, etc, and travels on holiday abroad yearly.
He did not emigrate to a complicated country to live like me. He has never lived out of England for a long or short length of time, so in some ways, and because of this, he has materialistically done much better than me.
My brother is a straightforward and raw person who has not travelled in an expressive way or form but has been able to survive, support his family and still build a small but significant patrimony.
I say this because, as a child, he was super hyperactive and utterly uncontrollable, and if there was any confusion in the street where we lived and played or at our school, my brother would be in the middle of it.
My parents’ separation and eventual divorce were highly complicated, drawn out and painful for everyone, particularly for my brother. My mother was a very hysterical and emotionally unbalanced woman who tried to put us against our father.
After the divorce, my father disappeared and made another family. I think that my brother was and is more emotional than me; maybe he suffered more from the family fighting and feuds than I did, which finally caused him to have a nervous breakdown early on in his life.
I think the guilt and pity our mother may have felt, and consequently trying to protect and spoil him at the same time, later resulted in him being distant by pushing his old family away, only having time for his new direct family that he built with his wife and children but forgetting his old one. There are still some family feuds, bad blood etc, that have lasted now more than 20 years without my brother speaking or calling our mother.
My mother was and has always been highly critical, particularly with my brother, me, our father, etc. I have always defended him, saying that he was the most likely to have turned to crime or drugs but never did. He was a heavy drinker but never hard drugs or crime.
I have always told my mother not to criticize him so much. Despite his tendency to be a little crazy, he has managed to make the right choices in life and has become a hard-working family provider, a good father, and a faithful husband.
So, it is Wednesday, the middle of the week. I have R$30 Reais and am in an existential crisis before arriving at 57. I am with a feeling of shame, guilt, and self-loathing for what I have not done or achieved until now in my life.
All this will have to be resolved before Saturday!!!
I haven’t discussed the Brazil factor yet, but I’d like to talk about it tomorrow. In some ways, it could be viewed as an excuse or a significant obstacle in my life, as well as the lives of many others, when it comes to personal growth.
I am in bed by 8.30 pm.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading my blog. Check out my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments.
Richard
