Copacabana, Rio de Janeiro: 26oC, hottish and sunny.
It is Tuesday, almost the end of the month, and I am feeling extremely frustrated, unsociable, and angry.
I do not know if it is only now, at 57 years old, that I am beginning to see things in a different light. It feels like I have been wearing blinders for the past 56 years, limiting my perspective and dulling my senses. I am frustrated with my current situation, and it is hard to accept that I cannot change it more quickly. This frustration also brings shame.
I keep asking myself why I did not make different choices earlier. Why did I let myself end up in this shameful situation? Am I being foolish? I am not as intelligent as I thought. Am I too limited to prevent things from turning out this way?
I believe that in life, it is important to remain humble in our thoughts and emotions and not let our egos take over. Many artists, famous individuals, powerful people, and politicians seem to be driven by their egos, constantly seeking validation and recognition. It is like they are addicted to it and cannot handle not having it.
Throughout the last 25 years of teaching, I have had the opportunity to interact with people who are wealthier, more successful, and smarter than I am, and I have always tried to learn from them. So, why am I still in the same situation?
One thing I have noticed about myself is that I have always tried to help people. I am an English teacher; I give classes 80% focused on English and 20% focused on coaching, cheap psychology, or helping others.
Fortunately, this approach has helped me survive in this sometimes-hostile country called Brazil. I have endeavoured to help everyone who has crossed my path in some way or another.
Maybe it is because I have always lacked my mother’s validation since I was a child and look for validation in others by helping them. If this is the case, I am aware of it and working on healing. I am on the road to recovery so that in the last few years of my life, I can do something meaningful with it.
However, my antisocial behaviour, I think, is a result of what I am going through now. I have always been a little antisocial and a bit of a loner, but when I want or feel that a person or those people deserve my attention or friendship, I am willing to get to know them and be there for them.
I am also an observer, which is an important virtue, especially when living again in a foreign country that can sometimes be hostile. I have always preached to my daughters the importance of observation and the ability to notice or interpret things and situations.
We have two eyes, two ears, and only one mouth, so seeing and hearing are more important than speaking. Lastly, I am angry. I am angrier with myself for allowing myself to get into such a situation and be involved with someone I believe to be selfish, limited, and negative.
I should have seen it before and prevented myself from making such a stupid mistake that would affect my life for a long time. Richard, you are an ass.
Get up now, set goals, and achieve them! There is always time to make things right. It is just a matter of recognising it, not avoiding it, having the courage to change, and then slowly, step by step, doing it with great courage.
Despite the hot pot and the chaotic confusion of feelings, it has just been another Tuesday. I took a walk in the morning instead of exercising, as my body was aching from the exercise the day before. Then I had classes and lunch.
In bed by 9:00 pm.
Thank you very much.
Thanks for taking the time to read this blog post. Feel free to explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
