Copacabana, Rio de Janeiro: 25oC, warm, sunny and slightly overcast.
So it’s Friday again, the end of the work week, and the weekend’s eve once more.
Has it been a good week? It certainly hasn’t been bad. I’m starting to put everything into place, and I am dealing with my fear of being successful.
I’ve concluded that deep down, I’m still affected by the relationship with my mother. As I’ve mentioned before, she was tough and cruel, and it’s true. I’m not making it up. Even my brother acknowledges that I bore the brunt of her anger and doesn’t understand why I still give her so much attention compared to his zero tolerance for her.
I believe that only in the last few years have I been able to come to terms with what I have been carrying with me all this time. Now, I need to get rid of this burden that has been weighing me down.
I feel lighter, serene, and thoughtful, and most importantly, I look at myself differently. I now value things that I didn’t appreciate about myself in the past. I used to feel like a loser, thinking that I should have achieved more, and because I didn’t, I was not worth much.
My lack of self-esteem in the past has allowed me to sabotage myself, my life, my work, and my relationships. I gave up when I shouldn’t have. I didn’t believe in what I was doing, didn’t create boundaries in relationships, didn’t focus on what was really important, and was easily distracted. These were some of the bad habits that I repeatedly committed for a long time.
Pleasure-seeking can be a harmful escape, possibly stemming from a complex and pleasure-deprived childhood. When given a chance, I would veer away from my true goals and commitments, immersing myself in shallow distractions, often involving women, friends, sports, or even food and drink. It’s important to recognise when to stop and that moderation is key.
I have never had difficulties finding women. I am reasonably good-looking, and I know how to speak to women in a different way than most people. I think my eternal search for women was due to two things:
- Firstly, the idea of being with an attractive woman boosts my ego and gives me a rush like a drug, making me feel on top of the world. With my low self-esteem, being with a gorgeous woman becomes an attempt to satisfy my insatiable thirst. However, it becomes apparent that we have nothing in common after some time. At this point, I face a dilemma – whether to continue the relationship and feel trapped with someone I don’t love or to end it and feel guilty. Ending a relationship can provide a sense of power, but it’s not mentally healthy or kind.
- Secondly, when I’m looking for a partner, I think I may be seeking validation that I didn’t receive from my mother. I’m not a psychologist, but through my failures and mistakes and by picking myself back up, I realise that as I get older, I should have a better understanding of myself.
This is called maturity. Age, experience, and going through tough times all contribute to finding oneself and one’s path. It’s up to you to be honest with yourself.
Friday was a day of teaching classes until early afternoon, working out at home, and enjoying “churrasquinho do gato” sandwiches in the evening with a cheap bottle of Merlot.
In bed by 11:00 pm.
Thank you.
Thanks for taking the time to read this blog post. Explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
