Rio de Janeiro: 28 degrees, hot and very sunny.
It is extremely hot now, and we don’t have an air conditioner. I don’t sleep well; I don’t think anyone sleeps well when it’s so hot at night.
When I lived in Copacabana, the flat had two air conditioners: one in the living room and another in my bedroom. Whenever Yasmin was with me, the living room air conditioner would be turned on, or if it became too hot for her in her bedroom, she would make camp and sleep in the living room.
I used to have the air conditioner in my bedroom on quite a lot, as that was where I set up my home office in front of the bedroom window, and I enjoyed being there. I liked my bedroom; my bed was a platform on which to put everything, including a book, my work, a laptop, etc. Besides sleeping, I would sit up to work, read, or watch a film.
I imagine that Nalva’s flat must be a sweatbox in the summer. It’s not even summer yet, and it’s already unbearably hot and stuffy.
Everything is going well for me at the moment, except for Yasmin. All the arrangements and most of the preparations are complete, and my finances are satisfactory. I am also investing money and buying crypto, which is going well. However, for some reason, I am feeling sad at the same time.
It is a peculiar situation; I ought to feel happy, yet I do not. I feel disappointed and deceived. I am disappointed because my time with Nalva and Yasmin could have been much better. My youngest daughter does not know how to lead a good and healthy life, which worries me profoundly.
Perhaps not everyone understands this, and many of us struggle with it. I’ve tried to guide and help her, but my efforts have often backfired.
We don’t just raise our children to be happy in the moment, even though that is important; we raise them to be resilient, fighters and warriors, prepared to face the challenges of the future and survive.
Because in the future, when we are no longer here, and the children are left on their own without access to the conditions and resources they had when they were young, we must teach and show them how to face life’s diverse problems and challenges. This way, they will not become frustrated adults who do not know how to fend for themselves or find happiness and resourcefulness, no matter what they are going through.
I feel deceived because I thought fatherhood would be something more than it appears to be.
I love my daughters, but indeed, there is more to giving both your kidneys, heart, liver, and so on. Sometimes, it simply feels that you have been just trodden on.
I’m not claiming to be the best father, as that would be unrealistic and not true. However, I consider myself a reasonable father who has always tried to be there for my daughters since birth. I might come across as contradictory because I have two daughters, yet I have also separated from both of their mothers.
This situation could suggest that I am not as good a father as I aspire to be, which certainly makes me feel sad and disappointed in myself if that is the case.
Our circumstances, which are also our limitations, lead us to endeavour to do our best even in the most adverse situations, yet there is no recognition or appreciation. It’s not that I seek validation, but a little understanding would be appreciated. The question that keeps ringing in my head is, what have I been doing wrong all this time?
I know this sadness will soon pass, but it doesn’t lessen the feelings of disappointment and deception, not necessarily for my daughters but more regarding myself. What could I have done differently to be a better father? Although I’ve said this before, life is complex and very challenging, and we do not live in a perfect world. Therefore, we must always make the most of what we’ve got and improvise.
Unfortunately, most of the time, what we have is neither ideal nor perfect, and our choices in such situations are not always right or the best.
The only comfort we have is the assurance that through self-reflection, we learn from our mistakes, preventing us from repeating them, while also not being enslaved by what has already occurred.
Life is a continuous process of evolution, ideally skewed towards positive rather than opposing change. Yet ultimately, this relies on our self-reflection, self-awareness, and humility.
I had a lovely walk with Perola, and I had lunch that didn’t go down very well, which caused me not to sleep the whole night.
In bed by 9.30 p.m.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
