Wordsley, Stourbridge, England: 4 degrees, cold, sunny and slightly overcast.
I still struggle to get up as early as I would like.
Last night, I didn’t sleep well. I don’t think it was due to the cold since the bed and bedroom are warm before I go to bed. Instead, I believe it stems from anxiety. I’m feeling quite anxious at the moment and suspect it’s a mixture of many different feelings converging at once.
One issue is that I’m living in someone else’s house, not my own, and as a result, I have to adhere to their rules. While living in Copacabana, I had to abide by Katia’s rules, the landlady of the flat. When I moved in with Nalva and Yasmin, I also had to follow their rules to some extent, and it is the same now with my mother.
It is perfectly normal, but sometimes I feel as if I am walking on eggshells and must be cautious about what I say and do at all times. I also feel compelled to please these people because I am in their homes and not my own. It is a form of emotional ball and chain tied around my neck or ankle.
And then there is self-shame. I have never fully understood self-shame and its ramifications, but over the last six months, especially now that I am coming to England, I am beginning to grasp it more and more.
I am 57 years old, have no car, nor my own house or flat, and have two daughters who accept me but may not truly like me. This wasn’t the kind of life I envisioned for myself when I was leaving school, ready to step into the open world and fight for a future. Where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong? What can I do before it is too late?
I know we are all winging it, if that offers any consolation. I love this expression, and essentially, at the end of the day, we are all trying to get by and make something of our lives. No matter how much we believe that our neighbour is in a much better situation than we are, he or she is still just winging it like you, me, or anyone else.
I know that this post may seem a bit self-pitying, but my emotions, like anyone else’s, can’t always be at their peak. We all experience highs and lows, and I didn’t expect to face a low after returning to England after such a long time. I’m finding it a bit difficult to adjust to the time difference, affecting not just my sleep but also my classes. This could also be a contributing factor.
I know my life has improved significantly, and I should feel happy and grateful, though perhaps this is a prank of my psyche. We are in a better situation than before, yet even so, we don’t know how to feel or appreciate it fully. Let’s see!
In the morning, I left home late and went to the canal for a walk. It was bitterly cold, but I fed the ducks and swans; they seemed to enjoy it! I made a round trip of Worddsley, which is about two to three kilometres. It’s not much, but it’s okay and still better than nothing.
When I got home, I gave a class and posted an entry on my blog. Some classes were cancelled, so, I decided to go out again to the nearby village of Kingswinford. I mistakenly gave the bus driver the wrong amount of money, so he kindly provided me with a day pass, which was very nice of him.
I walked around the small village, browsing some shops, and finally walked home, which totalled about 8 kilometres of walking for the day. When I returned home, I made myself a sandwich, watched a film that I had downloaded between classes, and took care of my things.
Because of the time difference my last class was at 10:00 p.m., but it was cancelled, I had a shower and was in bed for 10:30.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
