Wordsley, Stourbridge, England: 4 degrees, cold, overcast and grey with the possibility of rain and snow.
My mother is not well. This is the first time since her knee surgery that she is not well or has some pain or side effects.
She’s with diarrhoea and in the morning, whilst downstairs, she tried to rush to the bathroom, but it was too late. She had dirtied her clothes and the stairs, but nothing serious. I think that what really hurts more is the shame involved with someone in the house. I tried to say as little as possible and offered to help.
When she was out of the way, I cleaned everything to try to minimise the situation. Shame is a complex, debilitating feeling that profoundly affects a person’s self-esteem and self-respect. My mother is 81 years old, and going through this isn’t very easy, especially with me in her house.
If she were alone, even in suffering, but without prying eyes, with only herself knowing what she is going through, it is sometimes better than having others watch.
It’s the same as walking naked at home, only you’re there to see yourself, so no matter how beautiful or ugly you are, it’s still just you. It’s a question of privacy. Usually, I go to bed before my mother, but since she’s feeling unwell, she’s gone to bed earlier than I have for the last two nights.
When she went to bed tonight, I took the opportunity to clean and tidy up the house since she wasn’t downstairs. She had been slow-cooking a stew, which left the kitchen a bit of a mess.
I cleaned everything and put my mother’s dirty clothes into the washing machine to be washed. This way, when she wakes up tomorrow, there will be less evidence of what happened, and since she prefers a clean and tidy home, it should help her feel better.
My cleaning duties lasted for about two hours. Do I mind? No, I don’t. It’s just a part of our lives; life is not always roses, and if it helps my mother feel better about herself, then everything is good.
Karma also says that if you do something good, good will return to you.
Not forgetting that it was Saturday, it was good that I had arranged to have a coffee with an ex-girlfriend in the afternoon on the High Street in Stourbridge, a childhood sweetheart with whom we haven’t met in more than 40 years.
We dated like children, silly lost puppies, etc., when we were 13 or 14 years old. I think at that time we kissed, but it was just that. We used to walk around the streets where she lived or the city centre of Stourbridge, as if we didn’t have anywhere else to live or to go, and eventually it came to an end.
Rachel has done very well for herself as a civil servant in IT; she’s married and has two grown-up children, a son and a daughter, with two granddaughters who seem to be the apples of her eye. We had re-begun contact about 10 years ago through Facebook, with her asking me every so often when I would come back to spend some time in England. When I told her that I would be coming to England at the end of last year, she suggested that we should meet up and have a coffee.
It was very nice to see her again. Even with age, she still resembles what she was when she was a young teenager. We talked a lot about life, how our lives have gone, relationships, England, and how, in some ways, Brazil is different. It was very nice, and I am happy that she has done very well for herself.
What makes me think a lot is how the decisions we make when we are young can have a profound and lasting impact on our lives, often in severe and dramatic ways, and some situations, for the rest of our lives. It is clear that Rachel had chosen stability, continuing to live in the same hometown with her daughter, just two blocks from where she lives, and probably with few financial worries and everything relatively good.
Whereas I, at a very young age, first moved to London and then finally to Brazil, where I chose to live in a new country with a different culture, new habits, and way of life. This was despite the fact that I would have had financial stability if I had stayed in England and had a family behind me for some form of support. However, this is what I chose.
The mere presence of a family makes a significant difference. This is one of the things I learned while living in Brazil for so long, not just considering the financial or economic aspect, but also the emotional side. Without family or true friends, you are on your own; you have only yourself to rely on.
If you fuck up, it only depends on you to find a way out!!!
When I first went to Brazil a long time ago, it never occurred to me at that time what my journey would entail. I went there in pursuit of an idealistic dream that had been thwarted and resurrected countless times, much like a broken record that keeps playing until you give it a gentle nudge. If you forced the situation, you only made it worse.
There are no right or wrong decisions when we are young. Some of us are fortunate to find our paths early, regardless of whether those paths are right or wrong. Others discover their paths later on, but the right path is always there, waiting for us to find it.
In bed by 2:30 a.m.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
