Wordsley, Stourbridge, England: 3 degrees, grey, dull, damp and a lot of rain.
A day of rain, rain and more rain. Snow was expected, but it didn’t come. I was going to go out, but because of the rain, I decided to stay in.
I’m feeling a bit on edge at the moment. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve been in England for over two months or if it’s due to living with my mother for the same amount of time. I think I might need a break. There’s this sense of unhappiness with my current situation, and I’m longing for my life to change completely and as quickly as possible.
I am conscious that it has already changed a lot, if I compare my situation today, and one year ago or even two or three years ago, it has improved and is much better than it was, which again is directly related to the small changes and the different routine and way of life that I have adopted.
I can’t complain, but it isn’t enough!
This anxiety and edginess are probably related to all of this. What I have noticed is that my daily exercise routine has significantly improved; it was disrupted a little due to the end of the year and my move to England, but now it is back on track again.
I am feeling that living with my mother is highly stressful; she is and has always been a very overbearing person. I’m surprised that we haven’t fought or argued until now, and the fact that I haven’t lost my patience with her, as it is challenging at times. I am putting this down to consideration for obviously her being my mother and my elder, and that respect is always important.
Besides being overbearing, she lacks emotional intelligence. I don’t know if she was trying to control herself and hide it when I arrived. However, lately, anything unexpected or not to her agreement has become a big problem, resulting in a lot of stress and confusion.
I need to be very patient, flexible, and understanding, and use a lot of saliva to try to bring any adverse situation down to earth and into the context of what the problem is and what it deserves.
Again, I’m not sure if it is just because of her personality, etc., now the age factor, as she’s a very old lady, whilst also her behaviour seems to be connected to a deep sense of victimisation that she is constantly being hurt or punished or is suffering for something from somebody else or a situation.
Victimisation and victimhood are linked to narcissism and psychopathic tendencies. I am not saying or insinuating that my mother is a psychopath; however, considering that she has, in my opinion, a very privileged position financially with no debts, her place, 100% independent, I thought she would be more thankful, rather than ungrateful, for what she has and her life in general.
Having lived in Brazil for so long as a foreigner, I can’t claim to be a native Brazilian, even though I live, work, and pay taxes just like one. The only right I’m missing is the ability to vote. Despite this, I consider myself well integrated into Brazilian society, especially when I compare myself to other foreigners living here.
During my time in Brazil, I’ve visited many impoverished areas, and what always strikes me is that, despite their extreme poverty and simplicity, the people in these regions are often happier, more positive, and more hospitable than those who have much more.
Over the years, this experience has taught me to value what we have in the present moment. The present is what truly matters, regardless of our past or future circumstances. When I visit England and see my mother and others complaining unnecessarily about their privileged situations, I find it hard to understand their complaints.
My experiences in Brazil, where I met kind people who have so little, have shaped my perspective on happiness and gratitude.
It is Thursday before Carnival; tomorrow, Carnival will begin, and everything in Brazil will be either closed or put on hold until the Thursday of next week. As there won’t be any classes until the end of next week, I will use this free time to decide when I will return to Brazil.
Once I have chosen, no matter how far ahead the date is, at least knowing the dates and when I’m going will make it easier to deal with the present situation and the ill feeling inside my mother’s home. I will also use carnival time to revise blog posts and finally decide which camera I would like to buy before returning.
I want to buy a more entry-level semi-professional camera. Still, my budget currently suggests either a top-of-the-line smartphone, such as the Samsung Ultra S24, or the newly launched folding camera, the Osmo Pocket 3 from DJI. Classes and work the whole day.
Decisions must be made!
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
