Wordsley, Stourbridge, England: 6 degrees, cold, damp and slightly overcast.
I was supposed to go to Merry Hill shopping centre today, but as I hate shopping centres and it is carnival in Brazil, I want to do very little!
Instead, some shopping in the local village precinct, a coffee, and some work on the computer – nothing too much.
My mother has spent two days cooking a Bolognese sauce. I’m not sure if it’s usual for it to take two days in Italy, but it does here. I am feeling some irritation towards my mother at the moment; I’m hiding it well, but it’s there, and I have to control it because if I don’t, it will get worse.
I think it is partly because she has asked me twice now when I’m going back to Brazil, and as I am not ready yet, it is beginning to become an issue for her. It is not an issue for me yet, and I don’t want it to be, but I know that I will have to resolve it. There are various factors involved:
- How will my mother be when I’m gone?
- How will it be going back to Brazil and living with Nalva again?
- Do I want to go back to Brazil?
- Do I want to stay in England for some time? And if so, why?
- Is it because Brazil is turning into a dictatorship?
- Is it because I’m disappointed with Brazil, and the little time I have left on this earth, I don’t want to waste it waiting for the country to get its shit together?
- Or, is it because I’m enjoying it here in England and I would like to discover more of what England has to offer after 35 years of being out of the country?
- Or is it the flirt in the cafe on the green?
We have never really talked properly; there has been a lot of small talk, some provocations, eye contact, and a feeling in the air, but nothing to stop my plans and change them.
The first time I saw her, I thought that she was the most enchanting and beautiful woman I had seen and met in a long, long time. During our brief, semi-formal encounters, for me to order something, there is something that, until now, has not been formalised or conceded.
- Is it because of me?
- Or is it that it is not to be or not to happen now, and maybe if ever, sometime in the future?
In past affairs, I would always know if something was going to happen before it did; it was already there, in the air. I could cut it with a knife and sell it!
I am also growing older and imagining things that should not be contemplated at this age and in this situation. A lot of stupid questions, insecurities and doubts. What I do believe is that it is also fuelled by my lack of knowing what my future will be, and this is an excellent thing about the future, which is not knowing.
Instead of worrying about the future and what might happen, it is essential to live in the present, enjoy the present, and accept what unfolds.
Just let it come, and the rest is the rest!
In the evening, we ate the spaghetti Bolognese, which was very good, and I finished off a bottle of wine that had been opened while working.
I love drinking a glass of wine or even a whole bottle while working on the computer. I think it is something truly sublime. When you think about it, you’re alone, doing your own thing, working without interruptions from others, and not sharing your attention.
It’s all for you, and it’s not rushed. When we do things for ourselves and they are not hurried, and we have the tranquillity to enjoy it at that moment, everything feels so much better — and with wine, much more so!!!
In bed by 11:00 p.m.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
