Wordsley, Stourbridge, England: 6 degrees, bitterly cold but sunny and slightly overcast.
Each day, this little woman is becoming more and more present in my life. I am trying to stop myself from being too involved, but she’s invading my heart.
When I came to England, I hadn’t thought of getting involved or looking for somebody while staying here, not even a one-night stand, so to speak. Although what had crossed my mind was that both my uncle Mick and my father had married for the third time, roughly at my age, in their mid-to-late fifties.
My uncle Mick married a terrible and vile woman; however, he stayed married to her until she died, 35 years later. I can’t believe it. For him, she was the woman of his life. I can’t believe it. I never thought it. To me, it was his need to have a woman looking after him in his old age. He had married a truly beautiful and lovely woman before, his second wife, an extraordinarily kind and endearing person who sadly died after only a couple of years of marriage due to cancer.
A woman who, rather than distancing his friends and family, would bring everyone together, and nothing or nobody was too much trouble. When she died, he was heartbroken, but in only two years, he was with that other woman whom everyone hated.
She was never a kind person, even to the point of being cruel to people, including myself and probably my uncle. I have noticed that many older men marry because they need a woman to exist, live and continue. However, I have also observed that many older women, affected by past traumas and failed marriages, become more independent and prefer to live alone and not to get involved again.
Either they are widowed or divorced, then rediscover their freedom and never want to give it up! I call this the syndrome of the open cage door. The little bird has been trapped and kept inside its cage for many years, and then, suddenly, the cage door opens, and the bird is free.
Perhaps the bird wants to return to the cage occasionally, but not for the door to close again and the freedom to be taken away; I observe this in many older women who are once again single, and who don’t want to let it go.
My father was a Chief Petty Officer in the Navy during World War II. After leaving the Navy after the war, he lived in Toronto, Canada, for ten years. He married and divorced there; however, my future grandfather, his father, was ill in England, so my father had to return to visit and see how he was. During this visit to England, which was initially meant to be only temporary, he met my mother, stayed, married her, and had my brother and me.
The age gap between my father and mother was precisely 20 years, which I believe was too large for them. Furthermore, during that time, England faced significant social and economic challenges, including concerns about marriage and the role of the housewife.
I also think that my father, returning from a war, even after 10 years, wanted and needed peace and tranquillity, but couldn’t find it with my mother. One reason might be the age difference; she was much younger than he was, but another reason is that my mother was, and still is, an unbalanced and hysterical person, and no man needs that—especially one who came back from the war and might, in some ways, be changed or broken.
My parents eventually separated and divorced; it was a messy, complicated, and sometimes quite perverse. My father remarried later, more or less around my current age, and remained married until he died at 89.
Our mother caused a great deal of confusion during the separation and divorce, and eventually, my father stopped visiting us or allowing us to stay with him. I was about 12 at the time, and my brother was 9. It was complex, and I believe my mother used the situation to be both cruel towards us, my brother, and our father. I never saw my father again; he started a new life with another woman. We weren’t invited to his wedding. I never knew where he lived, and I only found out he had died through Google forty years later.
How fucked up is that?
When we seek something good or necessary for our future, it is often too difficult, if not impossible, to find. Then, when we stop searching, relax, and let go, the universe does its work. Suddenly, it presents it to us on a silver platter, appearing from nowhere.
I can see similarities between my father’s story and mine. I am now approximately the same age he was when he married for the third time. My father married my mother after returning to see his unwell father. More or less, the main reason I am in England now is because of my mother.
Another similarity is that my father married my mother. Furthermore, with the highly complex separation and divorce, it was also a very complicated marriage filled with confusion, cruelty and unhappiness, which I can directly relate to in my marriage to Nalva.
Perhaps I’m searching for excuses to convince myself that this beautiful little woman, who is currently in the midst of a messy separation and divorce, is the one I will spend the next 20 years with. How crazy is that? More likely, we will have a fleeting romance, enjoy each other’s company for a month or two, and I will return to Brazil, where everything will sadly cool off.
Or, that I helped her through her trials and tribulations of her separation while I’m here, and maybe even when I go back to Brazil, and then one day she decides that due to all the stress of the separation, divorce etc, she does not want to get serious, live with any one or be involved with and then I’m fucked.
So why am I thinking about all of this?
I’m essentially bracing for the worst. She has ignited a hope within me—a feeling I haven’t experienced in a long time, even though it seems too good to be true. Despite the potential challenges, she sincerely desires to be in a relationship with me.
Having lived in Brazil for over 35 years, I am now considering moving back to England, at least for six months a year, spending half the year in England and the other half in Brazil.
And my daughters? My ex-wives? Her grown-up children? There must be a lot of love to take all of this in. Let’s see!
Only the future knows. With each passing day, we are finding each other’s company more and more rewarding, or again, is it just me?
In bed by 11:00 p.m.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
