Wordsley, Stourbridge, England: 11 degrees, chilly, grey, and miserable.
It is remarkable how our lives can change from water to wine in a day, an hour, or even a minute. Life can knock us down and then lift us up again immediately.
Over the last month, I have been thinking, imagining, and even obsessing about this beautiful, little, perfect woman. In the past week, it reached a tipping point for us, as we faced a bit of a disaster, not entirely, but not what I had expected or wanted. This has led us down a longer path of clarification and understanding.
How, in some ways, my way of looking at the situation was more selfish than selfless, and how, if we are intelligent, we can learn from the experience and from the learning process to be a better person, not just for yourself and your conscience, but more importantly, the most important people in your life in general.
My life and my plans are changing at neck-breaking speed, which, not a long time ago, going to England was just a formality and is now a serious option for living there. How, in retrospect, after two daughters and two marriages in Brazil, I am now contemplating going back to England permanently.
I have at times in the past thought about returning to England to live, but due to uncertainty, fear, and perhaps pride, I never took the plunge.
Yasmin was very young at the time so that it wouldn’t have been possible. Now that she is 16, she could come to visit or live in England in the future, obviously depending on what her aspirations will be. It could be good for Nalva if I were to get married, whether formally or informally, or if I just lived in England and established a base there. It would create more space and give her the freedom to further develop her life, reducing her dependence on me.
If I help her buy a flat in Rio, which would also serve as a base for Yasmin, and if Yasmin comes to England, Nalva will be free to find herself and live her life without the burden of either Yasmin or me.
We all need time and space to find ourselves, and although I think that telling her that I’m serious with this beautiful, little, perfect woman, in the long run, everybody will have wings to fly to higher heights, where the sun is warmer and the air is cleaner. It seems that I have got everything thought out, but I haven’t, I am only talking and thinking out loud about possibilities and a lot of the unknown.
All I know is that the clock is ticking, and I want to be happy with someone special. Is this beautiful, little, perfect woman the one? I sincerely hope so, and whoever is responsible for all that is happening, I am profoundly grateful from the bottom of my heart.
It is a lot to take in such a short time, but it is pleasant and exciting. I can’t remember the last time I felt this way about a person.
Last night, Julie and I discussed how we must be prepared for those who don’t want us to be happy, including exes or colleagues who pretend to wish us well but ultimately don’t and, in some cases, seek to hinder our progress and happiness.
Sometimes the fewer who know, the better; not everybody is cheering for us.
It is not to be neurotic or paranoid about what we are doing; it is just necessary to be conscious of it. At certain times, discretion is one of the most important virtues for success in all aspects of life.
Regarding discretion, my mother is a classic example. It is clear that my mother, despite being wise in some things, is clearly emotionally unintelligent in others. Unable to control herself and her opinions, I have always felt and thought this, and now it is clear that she is jealous of me finding someone, even though I have said very little, at times diverting her attention from Julie and the facts.
It is terrible to say, but I don’t believe that my mother acts in the best interests of either me or my brother; it is only about herself. And like many immature people, everything is personal, so for me to meet someone whom I sincerely like is a hit for her personally.
I can feel an emotional undercurrent within my mother that is growing under the surface like a volcano, ready to explode at any time and fuelled by jealousy and insecurity. Her own interests, along with her feeling that, just because she is my mother, she has the divine hierarchical right to do, say, and give her opinion about my life, and no matter what, she is right.
This is a prevalent and noticeable trait of a narcissistic parent, where there is no gap or difference between their life and their children’s lives; they are meshed together, and because they are, they have this overpowering right in anything and everything of the other.
All I know is that, even though my beautiful little perfect woman and I have not had real quality time together yet, we both know what we want and where we’re going. However, how exactly we’re going to get there is another thing.
After classes, I had a simple but nice dinner, and I was in bed by 11:30 p.m.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
