Wordsley, Stourbridge, England: 6 degrees, bitterly cold, grey and with rain.
It is the first day of the last week of the month, and also the first day after a wonderful weekend.
My weekend with Julie, probably our first weekend where we saw each other on both Saturday and Sunday, was also nice for spending some quality time with her dog, Austin; he’s quite a charismatic dog who loves to meet other dogs while we are walking over fields, paths, Commons, or along the canal.
I’m starting Monday with a backlog of work, and I need to catch up on my journal entries. I am two days behind, which isn’t much, but if I am not careful, it could easily grow. I also had some pre-prepared blog posts that just needed proofreading, revising, and then publishing. Now, I only have one that is ready. This week, I need to prepare at least three or four in advance. Each takes about an hour or an hour and a half, so it’s quite a lot of work.
I also need to start using AI Descript to create faceless YouTube videos based on blog posts. Instead of having me appear, it’s best to use automated videos that incorporate stock images along with my pictures from the blog to produce final videos for YouTube. There seems to be something holding me back, essentially myself; I’m trying to fight it, and I need to take the plunge, get on with it, and do it.
I am wasting too much time thinking about it and not enough time doing it. I have achieved a lot in the past six months; this should not be a problem to start and monetise it.
I got up early, but while still in bed, I bought some more crypto because I saw the price was falling. When the price drops, I buy and hold. Hopefully, it will be a good long-term investment that yields good returns before I die, or it will be too late to utilise, and it will eventually be for my daughters.
I exercised in the back living room as it was raining outside. I then published my last pre-prepared blog post, so I now need to build up a stock of new blog posts for at least a week in advance. I got ready to go out and first visited the simpler cafe, nearer to where my mother lives, the one-man band cafe run by Luke.
I like him. I have tried to help him as a business owner, but he has made and continues to make many mistakes.
He told me that he had spent the whole weekend down South with a girl he had been seeing from Stourbridge; they partied every day and night, and when they returned, he discovered that the mother of his child, who was living with him, had left and taken everything from his home.
I’m not judging Luke, but I don’t understand how, even if he is separated from the child’s mother, he can disrespect her while living with her. Even when living separate lives under the same roof, there must be a specific code of respect and ethics. What also disappoints me, rather than makes me angry, is that he tried to play the victim in the situation. For me, that is ridiculous and causes me to view him differently.
He then served me a lukewarm tea, which was too much for me. I gave it back and told him that I had to go. I had already paid, he wanted to give me my money back, but I told him that it was not necessary.
It’s already a poor start to the day, and there’s more to come. I arrived at the café where Julie works, and Jim, the owner, was taking photos of a new dish he wanted to promote. I offered to help and took some extra photos to edit and send to him.
Julie arrived around 9:45, and everything was fine. I sat in the corner of the café near the counter, and some of the regulars I know sat next to me for a chat. Patrick, a retired ex-military and former security guard, and Mark, a businessman who runs a small company manufacturing pet foods and selling nationally, along with some other people I know either directly or indirectly from visiting the café.
While I’m writing, now and again, I would look up and see Julie; many times, she didn’t see me looking at her, but a few times we exchanged glances.
I ordered a sandwich and a scone, along with my usual lemon tea and a large cappuccino, which I usually enjoy after writing. I wrote and wrote and wrote. I need to catch up because of my two-day backlog.
Then the little old lady with the enormous, tall, and extremely elegant greyhound named ‘Ziggy’ suddenly appeared outside in front of the café. I got up, rushed out, and gave him my biscuit, which usually accompanies the tea or coffee, to one of my new four-legged best friends, ‘Ziggy’.
What a beautiful and impressive dog!
The old lady told me that ‘Ziggy’ is an adopted dog from a shelter. When greyhounds can no longer run or race because of the greyhound racetracks scattered across England, they are either put down or go to a shelter, where they are available for adoption.
It makes me think how humans can sometimes be so cruel to such beautiful animals. Okay, their nature is to run, but when they don’t run well or don’t perform as expected, they are abandoned, which, for me, is so sad.
When I got home, I started giving classes; everything was going well until Julie sent me a message around 2:00 PM saying she wanted to talk to me. I replied and went upstairs to take her call. We discussed the pleasant weekend, and then I heard my mother coming upstairs; she was coming to see if I was talking to Julie.
My bedroom door was half closed. After rummaging around on the landing, my mother opened the door, pretending to move the towels on the radiator, looking for an excuse to come into my bedroom to see what I was doing and try to listen to what I was saying. Then she said something to interrupt me in my conversation with Julie and added something sarcastic to provoke a situation.
I told Julie I had to go and hung up!
My mother was in her bedroom, sitting on the bed as if waiting for me. I entered and told her I was tired of all these bad feelings that were starting to show because of going out with someone. She began making lots of excuses, and I tried to tell her it was none of her business. She keeps repeating herself, doing precisely the same thing she had done with Debbie, my brother’s wife, and with Cibele and Nalva, my ex-wives.
As she tried to insinuate and belittle Julie, my mother’s behaviour indicates that there has always been, and still is, something profoundly wrong with the women in my life and my brothers’, and that they were never good enough. Looking back, they weren’t good enough for her; perhaps driven by pure jealousy and selfishness.
Why can’t she be happy for me?
The whole conversation carried on, and I could see that going out with Julie had brought out my old mother from my childhood. An extremely selfish, entitled, perverse, and vindictive person. I recognised the same behaviours she started to display as she did when Russell and I were young.
I tried to rationalise the situation with her, telling her that my personal love life is not her concern and that I do not want to be controlled, but deep down, I know it will only get worse.
My old mother, whom I have known very well since my childhood, with whom I visited England previously and faced many issues each time I went, I thought had gone, maybe because of her old age or perhaps due to my own naivety or just wishful thinking, she is now back, resurrected, and I am sure that things will only deteriorate from here.
In the past, I would face her head-on; nowadays, I want to run from her, the destruction and the toxic person she is, who can cause devastating damage that I no longer want in my life.
From our conversations and understanding who she is, I realise she will not change and that it will only get worse. I must make some serious decisions to avoid unnecessary suffering, and more importantly, to ensure that those around me do not suffer as well.
Julie and I spoke again a few times before going to bed. Some of it was about what had happened, but another part was normal, sexual, ambiguous banter between two people starting a relationship.
However, I was not feeling well; all the problems, fights, and traumas from the past flooded back, and now I am feeling sad, down, lost, and helpless. I went to bed late but did not sleep well.
In bed by 11:00 p.m.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
