Wordsley, Stourbridge, England: 21 degrees, warmish, sunny and slightly overcast.
It is Monday, the beginning of the week, and the storm is brewing, though not climactic.
I am not sure exactly what kind of storm it is, but for sure, it is with my mother in the eye of it. My relationship with my mother has always been difficult and strenuous to say the least.
When I was a child, it was hell. The last time I was here in England, over 20 years ago, the last two weeks of my stay were hell too. So, when I came to England this time, I was extremely apprehensive because of what had happened before. I was not sure what to expect, but until I met Julie, everything was reasonably OK.
When she realised I was starting to go out with a woman regularly, she turned from wine to vinegar. At first, she tried not to show or even hide her dismay, but I could feel it. Then she began to try to control me, claiming that I was disrupting her home, her life, and her routine, especially around dinner time and her cooking, attempting to undermine my peace.
I was starting to feel unwell; I had to hide or pretend I was either going out alone or revealing only minimal details to avoid inflaming her anger or jealousy. My mother is your best friend until you disagree with her once, then she will declare war on you with a wink, and she will never treat you the same again.
That one nice person, who is apparently your best friend, has now become a lethal enemy who should not have been allowed into your life.
I have tried to talk to my mother, explaining my intentions, but it has been of no use; she has her plans for my life, and that is that. She said that I should return to live with Nalva and try to make a go of it with her once more. I explained to her that it was impossible.
I have been separated from her for almost 10 years. How am I going to return to a person I do not love or desire? I respect her and want her to be well, as she is the mother of my daughter, but she, who is also my mother, should decide these things for my life.
I also told her at that time that I was not going to feel guilty about trying to be happy. It’s as if my mother was trying to make me feel guilty for enjoying myself or having a good time and a relationship with someone I like or find attractive. I am 58—how the hell am I in a situation like this at 58? And who is my mother to poke her nose in, as if I were a child or as if she owns me.
It is called entitlement!
All of this was at the start of knowing Julie, and it has only worsened over the past few months I have been seeing her. A storm is approaching and will hit soon, and the damage will be beyond repair. Usually, you can sense the storm’s approach with the temperature dropping; now it is colder, sharper, and the winds are stirring everything and everyone in its path.
You need to take care!
This toxic situation with my mother has affected my peace of mind and consequently my relationship with Julie. I am caught between two entities pulling me in opposite directions. My mother, with her toxic behaviour driven by jealousy and her firmly held opinions, and Julie, although we are very happy and good when together, I sense that something deeper is missing.
Considering that we have not had a night together until now, it has significantly contributed to my doubts about our relationship.
I have started to dislike myself a little for being so patient and understanding with her, as I know many men would not, and I understand that. However, it has also eroded my self-esteem as a man in such a situation.
I am unsure whether Julie is a woman I can admire. I am not convinced that she is someone I can look at with admiration for her kindness, understanding, and empathy towards others. It seems to me that a lot of her world revolves around herself, and everything outside of it appears unimportant.
Maybe I am being unkind, but it seems like that.
I have already said many times that I really enjoy her company, and when we are together, we have quite a lot of fun, but I think that is it. Her lack of understanding of others calls my attention, or is it me being unfair, unkind and probably very stupid?
In bed by midnight.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
