Wordsley, Stourbridge, England: 18 degrees, warmish, sunny and slightly cloudy.
It’s Saturday, and a big day for me. I have just bought my flight ticket back to Brazil.
After a few arguments with my mother last week and the uncomfortable feeling I’ve had since dating Julie, I’ve been considering going back to Brazil for at least a couple of months before returning to England permanently.
I told Julie that I was thinking about it last Sunday. When I informed her, she thought I had already done it without talking to her first. Clearly, I would never do that; however, this has caused some tension between us, with lots of crying and the constant question, ‘Why would you leave me?’ It has been difficult to explain and for her to understand.
I almost bought the ticket yesterday, but chickened out at the last minute. This morning, after waking up and talking to Julie, I mustered the courage and bought the ticket. I had not told her that I would do it today; it just felt right to do it at that moment. I immediately called her after buying it, telling her that I had done it, which again did not go down very well.
I have bought a ticket for Thursday, 6th June, arriving in Rio around 8:00 p.m. Brazilian time that day. Yasmin’s birthday is on the 7th, so I won’t spill the beans by telling them I’m coming earlier. It should be a hell of a surprise for everyone when I arrive in Brazil, whether good or not.
After purchasing the ticket, which was a hefty chunk of my bank account, I felt a sense of relief and purpose. It was as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. It also provided me with clarity to plan my near future.
It is interesting how, when we are in a rut in our lives and know what to do or what we should do, we are still afraid and insecure about doing it. When we make the leap and there is no turning back, even while walking in the dark, things seem to become clearer; it feels as though there is a light, a way forward that was not visible before.
It’s like being in quicksand or having our feet stuck to the floor, unable to move. Then, suddenly, after that one decision or action stemming from it, a branch appears to help pull us out or free our feet, and we realise we are not as trapped as we initially thought.
My reasons for taking the plunge and temporarily returning to Brazil appear clear, but other issues are equally important.
- Living with my mother has been extremely difficult since dating Julie, and the tendency is for it only to get worse. I need a break and to put everything related to this in order.
- Yasmin’s birthday is on the 7th, and I have been away since the end of November last year. Nalva and Yasmin are on their own now, and it would be good to offer Nalva some support and relief from the responsibility of raising a teenager. Since I’ve been away, they have been arguing and fighting more, so I need to go back and do my part as a father. Besides, I miss Yasmin, Jessica, and Nalva too, so it would be good.
- My relationship with Julie is quite complicated at the moment. I live with my mother, and she lives with her parents, so we have never spent a night together. We have never experienced true intimacy, and I don’t just mean sex. I’ve tried to organise a weekend away for us, but it hasn’t happened for various reasons. This has become a somewhat toxic situation and relationship for me. As a man, and given that we have never consummated our relationship or spent quality time alone together, it is difficult for me; going out for the day or evening and then parting ways at the end is hard. If it happened only occasionally, it would be fine, but doing it every time in a controlled situation is heartbreaking. And because of all this, I’m starting to hate myself. It’s not normal for someone my age to be in this situation and feel this way, especially with someone I feel so deeply for. I need to find a way out before it worsens for both of us.
- Returning to Rio and seeing how it truly is there is both fascinating and equally important.
- Having some space to organise my thoughts is vital for me.
- To make a change, I believe I am doing the right thing, and that is important. Even if it was a wrong decision, it can be corrected in the future.
- I am moving forward; I will not allow a toxic situation to fester and grow in my life.
I met Julie, who was with Austin, the man, and we went to Kinver. We had already been there at least twice before. Instead of going to Kinver Edge, the park, or The Woodlands, we headed to the village centre for breakfast. We visited a nice little café, Brasserie, up a side alley, which we had been to before. We ordered two child-sized breakfasts and two perfect cappuccinos; it was sublime.
Various bands were playing in the village. I think it was some sort of gay pride week. Had it been Brazil, it would be more scandalous; here in a small English village, it is quite calm, organised, polite, and pleasant. The sun is shining, and the locals are in the streets in large numbers. We stopped off at a pub for two lagers and a lime; our signature drinks when we are out together.
After the pub, we collected the car and went up to the Edge for a walk with Austin. Julie took a wrong turn, and because of it, we discovered an even more beautiful spot than usual. It was heavenly, an almost hidden place, different from what we’re used to, and once again, it was truly sublime.
During all this time, we were talking about what I had done and what was going to happen, and about the injustice I had committed for both of us and for the relationship itself.
In the evening, we met again for a Balti at our favourite local Balti restaurant, which caused even more explanation, contemplation, thoughts, acceptance, and crying.
In bed by 11:00 p.m.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
