Flamengo, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil: 28 degrees, hot, Sunny and beautiful blue skies; a beautiful day.
It is Thursday, and while I am happy with the classes and the revision I am currently doing on all blog posts, I am tired, worried, and insecure.
It hasn’t been a month since I returned to Brazil, and my thoughts are more focused on England than here. I keep thinking about my mother, past arguments, what it will be like when I go back, and, more importantly, Julie.
My mother is my mother; she will not change, so I do not expect much from her. One thing I learned during my last visit to England is that she will do little or nothing to help me there. It sounds terrible for a son to say this about his mother, but it is the truth.
Because of this, I should not deceive myself into expecting more from her. When I return, I will be on my own with my mother and my brother, too.
We fell out when I visited him and his family. He couldn’t even put me up while I was there; I had to sleep at the neighbours’, which is OK, fair enough, but it shows how he feels. It’s clear to me that he’s got his own life; he’s happy, so it’s better to leave him where he is, in his own place and corner.
There are three main questions for me about returning to England: how to earn money there, what living costs will be, and Julie.
Currently, I earn money from my classes, but I am investing in my blog so that it can be monetised in the near future. However, up to now, it hasn’t been, and nothing is guaranteed. I’m almost 60, I am a dinosaur in the job market, and I need to reinvest quickly to avoid drowning in debt when I return.
I will start creating and uploading YouTube videos based on my blog posts and also on learning English. Hopefully, within four to twelve months, these channels could be monetised.
However, this is not guaranteed; the only certainty is my desire to work hard, earn money, and enjoy a good life in England because I am tired of struggling my whole life, and it has to stop.
If my mother does not change her will before she dies, which I do not rule out, even the house in England is not assured for me to live in when she passes. Due to these uncertainties, there are too many possibilities and not enough guarantees at present.
The cost of living in England is high, much higher than in Brazil. Food prices are rising rapidly in Brazil; they will eventually go up here as well. However, when considering the exchange rate, earning in Brazilian Reais and spending in British pounds is nearly impossible. Only someone like my pupil Felipe, a top judge with a very high salary, can live and study in England while earning in Reais.
My desire to live in England can only become realistic if I find a way to make money in English pounds!
And finally, Julie? I have so many doubts about her that I am not entirely sure what I want from her. When I first met her, she was this beautiful, perfect woman in my eyes; in some ways, I still think she is. However, she did things or even didn’t do things while I was there that I disagree with, or, not as special for me as I had hoped, and I feel that perhaps she is just another woman who will drag me down instead of lifting me up.
I have noticed that throughout my life, I have encountered a series of women who have put me down or hindered me, starting with my mother, then Claudia, perhaps the first true love or infatuation of my life. Cibele was not; she simply wanted to control me more than anything else, but not necessarily to demean me, and Nalva, an eternal iron ball and chain tied to my foot.
I do not know what to expect when I return to England regarding Julie, work, and living there. I know that Brazil is ill under Lula’s government. I’m trying to think that it is not terminal, but at the very least, it will take a long time for the country to recover and become healthy again.
Going to England, for me, is about finding a certain inner peace, working how I want and living how I want, with little confusion, and earning enough money to survive and be happy.
I know that I need to believe more in myself and my abilities. I also need to appreciate what I have achieved so far and recently, and understand that my only limit is the one in my mind. So if that is truly the case, and I believe it is, I should have no boundaries to realise it and recognise my potential, and it will come to pass.
The truth is that it is already happening, but what I am really looking for is yet to come.
Just do it, Richard!
I’ve got a cold coming on, I’m feeling a bit rough, but I’m still working and giving classes.
In bed by 11 p.m.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
