Flamengo, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil: 27 degrees, hot, Sunny and beautiful blue skies; a beautiful day.
It is Friday and the beginning of the weekend. The conversation between Julie and me has gone down a lot over the past couple of days.
I have been a little off with her since Tuesday; I had to go out, and Nalva was at home. I didn’t want to speak to Julie in front of Nalva because it would be inconvenient for me, as I don’t feel relaxed in this situation, even though Nalva doesn’t speak English; she understands it very well.
Nalva, having lived with me for many years in the past, and considering all the times my mother stayed with us, she had extensive contact with English. Also, Nalva being a woman, I want to respect her; it is her space, and as her ex-husbands, it is not right to flaunt my girlfriend in front of her or speak openly to Julie in front of her, as it can be disrespectful.
It’s the kind of situation where a woman can brood, retaliate, or overthink her feelings, and knowing how she is, I see it as a time bomb waiting to explode.
Julie kept insisting on talking to me, making sarcastic comments that I found unnecessary and disrespectful. I called her quickly, told her it was not a good time, and she refused to accept it. I insisted even more, then told her I had to go and hung up.
She did not like it, and since then, our conversations have changed. I am not too bothered, as I believe I need to set limits and boundaries. One reason I returned to Brazil was to escape a certain amount of toxicity I was experiencing from both my mother and Julie.
My mother, the difficult person that she is, wants to control, manipulate, and put her nose in everything, whilst always being a victim of everyone and every possible situation.
Julie, a woman I met in England, and I had been flirting indirectly for a long time before we started going out together. I really enjoy her company; moreover, I find her very attractive. However, some red flags began to emerge and began to wear me down towards the end of my stay in England.
We never managed to consummate our relationship; we shared lots of kissing and some superficial foreplay, but we never slept together or spent a night or weekend together. For her, the main reason was that we didn’t have our own place, and living with our parents made things tricky. I also tried to arrange for us to travel for a weekend, but that didn’t work out either.
It simply did not happen. Perhaps she was not ready. She mentioned she was insecure, but I tried to reassure her many times. Yet again, it did not happen, and it did not occur as it should have when two people supposedly like each other and seek to become more intimate and closer.
She told me she wanted it, but, to repeat myself, it just did not happen. For me, it was a disappointment and a kind of insult. How can two people who are so good together supposedly enjoy each other’s company, etc., but it didn’t evolve, it never became what it should have been, it was never intimate?
I felt I was living a lie, for me and for those who saw us as a couple.
And besides, I am a man; it is important for me and serves as true confirmation that a woman genuinely wants to be with me. Usually, when a woman genuinely likes a man, she initiates intimacy, indicating that she wants to go further and be with him.
That never happened with Julie!
Perhaps I’m being a little selfish, I do not know, and I do not know what will happen with us. It has been good for me in some ways because, looking back, even though our times together were very good, it also seemed immature.
It also shows me that I need to focus more on my work, my digital projects, and build something for myself. Instead of placing my happiness in the opposite sex, I should look more inward, within myself, because it is all there for me. Looking outward rather than inward is avoiding what is truly good in me and at the same time diminishes my self-worth and importance.
I need to value myself more, not only for my sake but also for any future partner. How can I value someone who is worth valuing in my life if I can’t value myself?
I have learned from the situation with Julie and my experience living at Nalva’s place that Nalva has been holding me back for too long, and it needs to end. Yasmin is coming of age and may want to live in England in the future. I cannot allow Nalva to continue negatively influencing my life or my relationships. This has to stop.
Julie, only time will tell. I suppose that will only be clear when I return to England.
Today, I opened a crypto trading account on Binance.
In bed by 11 p.m.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
