Flamengo, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil: 19 degrees, warm, overcast and with rain.
It is the end of June, the last day of the month, and the first half of this year is over. Tomorrow, 1 July, will be the first day of the second half of the year.
Has the first half of the year been good for me?
On December 31st last year, I was in England, staying with my mother for about a month. England was very cold and rainy. There was a small amount of snow before Christmas, but after that, there was none.
Even though I was with my mother, I was alone, with no girlfriend or friends. A little before Christmas, my mother and I went to a carvery restaurant and pub in the English countryside. It was pleasant, but it was more for my mother than for me; everything was good. I could not exercise outside at that time because it was too cold, so I was limited to serious exercise in my mother’s living room.
So what has happened in the last six months that now feels more like 6 years than six months:
- I am in England for the first time in more than 20 years, and it has been OK.
- I received a small inheritance in January from my late uncle Mick, who died a couple of years ago. This money helped me have a better quality of life while I was in England, allowing me to save some, buy more Bitcoin, and buy things I believe are essential for my work, such as a video camera, a drone, and a personal present for myself, a Google watch.
- I started going out with Julie. I had met her since I arrived, as she works in the local cafe. We began going out on 9 March. We went to the cinema to see Dune 2, and only we and another couple were there.
- My relationship with Julie allowed us to go to many places with her dog, Austin, which was extremely pleasant.
- My life in England, completely different from living in Brazil, was very awe-inspiring for me, with a slower, less rushed pace. It also gave me the chance to get to know people who I think are sincerely extremely pleasant and friendly.
- And generally having a good time with Julie and in England.
The negative points:
- Obviously, England is much colder than Rio, and when I arrived at the end of November, it was too cold. But later, after some time, the weather improved, and I got used to the cold and acclimatised. Many times, when going out with Julie, we were lucky to have pleasant days with decent weather.
- My relationship with Julie was perfect for most of the time; we went to many places, including neighbouring towns, good pubs and restaurants, and took long walks along the canal, but we never became really intimate. I was living with my mother, and Julie with her parents. There was a lot of kissing, rehearsals and a little foreplay, but we never went that extra mile. The relationship lacked intimacy, and I’m not just talking about sex, but also about going to another level between ourselves, which for me was very strange. I also felt it was a bit one-sided. I thought I was giving and giving, while receiving very little in return as a man or a partner. Deep down, this was one of the reasons I came back to Brazil: to break away from this feeling of being used or not in a sincere and healthy relationship.
- And my mother. On one side, Julie and the feeling of being in a strange relationship that was not entirely clear to me; on the other, my mother. Before I began dating Julie, everything was OK between my mother and me. When she found out about Julie, although I had tried to hide it from her or make it seem less important than it was because I knew how my mother would react, exactly that happened. My mother completely changed. She tried to compete with Julie for attention, to control me and prejudice me against Julie. As a result, all the memories, images, and traumas of my old mother from the past came flooding back, along with this anger too.
I often ask myself why God, if there is a God, gave me such a difficult brother and a bad mother. But in the sense that she was incredibly selfish, manipulative and false to get her own way and only thought of herself, I guess neither my brother nor I was merely a means of exchange for her interests.
It is terrible to say, but I do not love my mother, and I do not mind saying it. Going to England brought back the past in this respect. In some ways, it was good, as it helped me stop deceiving myself. Sometimes, as children or siblings, we give others the benefit of the doubt or try to mask the real badness and toxicity of family members, as if it is also something against us, but we should really open our eyes and accept what it is.
Here are the positives (6) and negatives (3) in Winston Churchill’s closing, weighing up the pros and cons to gain a clearer picture or make a decision based on the facts. The first half of this year has been very good; in theory, there are more positives than negatives, so I hope the second half will be just as good, if not better.
In bed by 10 p.m.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
