Flamengo, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil: 23 degrees, warm, sunny and overcast.
It is Thursday, and I’m tired and confused.
I am not complaining. I have good health. I am living temporarily in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, with perfect weather. I have money in the bank, not a lot, but I have it, and most of it is invested in crypto, with a tiny part in Tesla shares.
I am earning money, not as much as I would like, but I’m earning enough to pay my bills, cover the living costs of people who depend on me, cover my own living costs, and also save a little.
I have someone setting up my blog for monetisation, so hopefully this will be done in the next couple of weeks.
I am fit and reasonably in shape for a man of almost 60. I have the possibility of having a better lifestyle than I have had for the last 20 years. Everything is relatively good, but I am tired of the life I have been living. I know it will change, but I am confused.
I am confused because of my relationship with Julie. What I expected to happen and what actually happened are entirely different, and now, looking back, it seems much worse than it did while I was living through it. I also feel stupid and ashamed for letting myself be put in such a situation and for not reacting sooner.
I had also picked up on some of the red flags on the first night we went to the cinema, and even before, when I had little contact with her, from going to the cafe to write and from where she worked.
I’m not saying it wasn’t good. To the contrary, it was very good in a limited sense. We went to many different places, visited many good pubs and restaurants, and had long walks along the canals, which were very pleasant. The majority of the time was spent with her and her dog, Austin, which made it even more pleasurable.
It was as if we were really a couple, as if we were married, to anyone who saw us in the street and did not know us properly. Any stranger would think we were a couple and a beautiful one at that.
But there is a big but. What has pushed me away since the beginning, and I have been trying to ignore or look away from it, is the lack of intimacy in our relationship. I’m not just talking about sex, but emotional intimacy and feelings that were never there.
We never had sex. The excuse was that we did not have a place, and she also said she did not want to fall for me, which, looking back, seems strange. Besides this, there was never any real emotional connection or intimacy from her. We talked a lot about family and problems, and we gossiped, which I did not like, but it was always very clinical.
I always felt analysed to the point that if I asked her anything personal or asked for her point of view, she could not answer, but she could continually ask me questions, and I felt I was feeding her ammunition that would later be used against me.
This clinical feeling, the lack of intimacy in our relationship, I could feel whenever we met, whether going out, exchanging compliments, or greeting each other. It was like greeting a distant friend or somebody you know but not very well, and I think this continued throughout our time together.
Yes, it was pleasant, but it began to feel repetitive and predictable, and it was always cold. I could read the situation and think that I was a kind of play, being directed or even manipulated. It became so apparent that I began to get angry with myself. I do not like to complain, and I don’t want to, but this cognitive dissonance was starting to drive me crazy.
One of the reasons I suddenly bought a ticket back to Brazil was to get out of this situation.
Living with my mother, who I know is a control freak, and the girlfriend with whom I have no real intimacy, is quite frustrating.
Why am I saying all of this? Since Monday, when I told Julie it was over, I have been no contact. Tonight, she sent me a message asking me to call her. Instead of calling, I replied, saying I hoped everything was well with her and Austin and that I preferred to be left alone.
She replied, saying it was unfair of me to go no contact with her, as she was a good person. Another thing that caught my attention was that she always presents herself as a good person, which I found extremely strange.
In my opinion, we should be humble but always know our worth. However, if someone asked me, you, or anyone whether you are a good person, I feel the correct answer would be to say, ‘I don’t really know’.
For me, if someone says, ‘Yes, I am good, very good, excellent, or lovely’, I would find it strange and disconcerting. Julie would often say that she was lovely, a good person, and sweet. If I told her that I had met a friend or someone on the street, the first thing she would ask would be whether that person had asked about her or whether we had talked about her, which I found strange.
So I wished her a good night, and it was left at that. As I mentioned at the beginning, I am confused. I know this feeling is temporary and it will go away, and I will get over it, but at the moment I’m in a small dinghy, rowing for my life in a rough sea with 10-metre waves in the middle of the ocean.
In bed by 11 p.m.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
