Flamengo, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil: 23 degrees, warm, sunny and slightly overcast.
A Monday of difference, two major decisions, and upsets in my life. One is both good and bad, and the other is very good.
Firstly, I finished with Julie. We had been talking since last Thursday, and although it was OK, it wasn’t the same since I have been back in Rio. I see that what we had in England was from a different angle, something not so deep, a little superficial, maybe not as important to her or me as I had thought.
This afternoon, Julie looked for me, and we talked on WhatsApp. The conversation was OK, lukewarm in terms of quality and affection. Then I can’t remember what we were talking about when, suddenly, she said, ‘It is time for you to defend yourself!’
Out of the blue, I didn’t understand it, I thought it unnecessary and insensitive, and found it a little like what a narcissistic person would say. It was as if a bucket of cold water had been thrown over me, and my world had just imploded, all at the same time.
I have been fending for myself since I was 9, with my mother always trying to attack me at home, and from 17 onwards, when my mother kicked me out. I have been fending for myself my whole life.
I didn’t react immediately when Julie said this. It was clear to me she wanted to provoke a reaction, but I was disappointed, and for me, it was just one more nail in the coffin of our relationship. I did some exercise, and after a while I had to go out to give a class, but I was hurt and disappointed.
A little later, I received a call or a message from her, I can’t remember exactly, asking about that, after I had said I would stay in England for two or three years and then move on. I then answered that if I were with a partner in England, there would be no need to go. Imagine I am happy, either dating or living with someone, etc., and I would contemplate going. It does not make sense.
What this question showed me was that Julie was already contemplating the next 20 years for herself, with risk analysis and everything. For me, it’s completely crazy. We don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, even when we plan. Life always throws us a curveball, and often our plans or priorities change. It’s part of life’s fluidity.
It was the middle of the afternoon in Brazil and evening in England. I sent Julie a message saying I would like to talk to her as soon as possible. My mind was going at 100 kilometres per hour. I was both sad and confused, but determined to resolve the situation I had got myself into. I am now in a narcissistic prison, and I have to get myself out.
Julie said I could ring her in 30 minutes. I think she knew what was coming and kept me waiting, or just kept me waiting for the fun of it. I don’t really care.
I called, and she answered. After a couple of sentences of small talk, I blurted it all out. I said I was disappointed by what she had said before. She was confused about which part, which I thought was quite funny.
I told her I had been trying and trying for the relationship to go ahead and for us to be good, but it seems to be of no use. I give up; I can’t take it anymore.
I was not shouting, as the Americans say, yelling. I was nervous, but I was communicating at a normal volume. I also said that I did not want to complain or explain, but it was over. She started asking questions, baiting me as she always does. I justified my decision and said I had to go. She insisted, and I insisted that I needed to go and did not want to continue talking. I said goodbye and hung up.
I was nervous but relieved. I then blocked her on my phone. I need to go no contact for some time, or I will go crazy. I am not proud of blocking her, but I needed time and space for myself.
This was the mini earthquake in my day. The second event, besides the regular exercise and classes, was my current meeting with Alex, the web designer. He told me what he was going to do and just wanted my approval. I told him to do what he knows best and not to wait for me to OK things; get on with it so that it would be done as soon as possible.
We discussed future development, and I told him to resolve what had already been arranged first, then we can think about the next phase and move on to other projects.
Focus is vital in life. With it, you can reach your goals, and without it, you’re not able to even get out of your front door. Look at John Wick!
For me, today has been a day of setting boundaries, understanding oneself, staying focused, and despite small earthquakes and tremors in our lives, continuing on the same path you have decided and set for yourself.
In bed by 10:30 p.m.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
