Flamengo, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil: 24 degrees, warm, sunny and slightly overcast.
Julie contacted me yesterday, or on Friday. I can’t remember exactly, but it was the first time in almost a month.
She asked me to call her. I did, and the conversation was a little cold at first, with both of us a little defensive. As we began to talk, the barriers fell, and it was quite pleasant, but not really the same.
While I was in England, I concluded that I felt Julie was completely self-absorbed. Over the three months we went out together, I thought our relationship was one-sided and that I was almost being used.
Looking back, I could see some red flags from the first night we went to the cinema. I tried to do something about it the next day, but I got pulled into her world. I was not strong enough.
During our dating, we had many good times together, with and without Austin. Sometimes I felt we had made a connection, but it was rare. Then something would happen that would completely shoot down whatever optimistic assumption I had made that we were living a special relationship and connection.
I also noticed that she never broke her routine or went out of her way for me or for us. It had to be on her terms and without her ever leaving or stepping outside her comfort zone.
What I am saying may sound very selfish, but when a man really likes a woman and wants the relationship to go well, he wants to be nurtured by his partner and for her to meet him halfway as a couple. I feel this never happened with us. Again, we had many good times and visited many nice and special places, but just this.
We would also talk for hours on the phone. At the beginning of the relationship, it was nice, but over time, it became too much, with her being the most important subject.
Don’t get me wrong, a woman needs external validation, especially from her boyfriend, husband, or partner, but there is a limit. If I am there for her, caring about her and wanting her well, that should be enough. There should be no doubts, and we should not have to go over everything again and again.
A major red flag for me was that whenever I said I had met or spoken to a mutual friend in the street, the first and immediate question was whether they had asked about her.
When she first asked me this, I was startled, then thought it was nothing and shook it off. I was overreacting, but during our time together, whenever I met anyone and told her, she would immediately ask if that person had asked about her.
Just to put this into context, last week I was teaching a class to Jocilene, a retired doctor who lives and works in Copacabana. She met an ex-pupil of mine, Paula, by chance in the street, and said they talked a little. I asked her, to test the situation, whether Paula had asked about me, but Jocilene’s reaction was one of surprise and irony, whilst also denying that Paula had asked anything.
For me, it was like a slap in the face. Jocilene looked at me in surprise, as though to ask why I was asking such a stupid, childish and immature question.
Have I been harbouring a relationship with a self-absorbed woman who is so obsessed with herself that there is no space for me in her heart and life? Knowing this, if I continue, it will only lead me to hell.
Why would I insist on a superficial relationship that I would have to invest a lot in and receive very little in return? It is not that I am so self-obsessed about receiving something from Julie or any other woman, but that, in the modern society we live in, I am in a balanced, healthy relationship that is good for both of us.
Because if not, I and any other man will feel abused, robbed, deceived, and completely stupid, and inconsequential.
When a good man likes a woman, he expects that woman to do her part so he can feel like a man, loved, appreciated, and nurtured. If not, it is a total deception and an eventual turn-off for him.
In the morning, Yasmin and I went for a long walk and talked a lot, as always. In the afternoon, I went out to do some shopping and tried to relax in a tiny flat that is full of stuff and clutter.
In bed by 10:00 p.m.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
