Copacabana, Rio de Janeiro: 27oC, hot, sunny and clear sky.
I am still happy after resolving the issue with my Brazilian ID at the federal police yesterday. Today, I was up early, with some effects of a dying cold, but I was ready to take on the world, or at least the day and the next part of my journey, and this constant journey of trying to improve myself and launch myself into an alternative future.
We all must wake up, push ourselves, and do things we usually would not do, or would be utterly blind to, ignorant of what we should and should not be doing, or even of what we should not be doing. In the same way, I see myself as someone who has survived, no matter what.
Against all odds, I have survived to a certain level, but nothing exceptional like a person who decides to live in the street, collecting recyclable rubbish, etc, to make a living until the next day, day after day.
There may not be much difference between the person I have just described and me. I am fifty-seven now, and I have not accumulated any great material wealth until now, so for many who look at me and judge, I am a loser, and maybe I am. If I am lucky and get to live ten more years, I want these ten years to be how I want to live them, and for them to be lived well.
But also, when I die, due to the last ten years or so that I have lived, I will have left something to my daughters for them to have a better life than what they have now. Am I doing the right thing by wanting this, or is the society we live in telling us we should?
I look at my daughters, and the only thing I am certain of is that I will not be able to depend on them for support in my last years, and nor should I.
Thinking about death, I feel that I am not as afraid of it as I was before. I was not really afraid of it in the past, just the question of wanting to live longer to enjoy as much time as possible with the people who are important to me before I go.
As this changes, my demand for living has changed, too.
What is really love, and what is love in a family? Is family love something that really exists and is something that will positively sustain us for the rest of our lives, or is it something that modern society traditionally surrounds us with, which we should conform to and accept at all costs?
I know of many families that are apparently happy and united in their quest to maintain and evolve as an entity of love, care, and balance. However, I also know many families like my own in England and Brazil that are fragmented, lost, torn apart, and wounded. I feel wounded by my inner feelings; I have noticed that, at the moment, it is difficult for me to accept affection from my youngest daughter openly, even though I know her intentions and actions are genuine.
These doubts that I am passing now are because of change and my desire for change. Sometimes, I feel I am writing too much and doing too little. Should I write less and do more with more ferocity and passion, or am I lacking the energy and shine of when I was in my early twenties and when I had just arrived in Brazil?
I know I should be doing more, and I want to do more, and I do not want to hold myself back anymore. I deserve more, and I deserve to receive it. So, if I am not getting what I think I deserve, I must do more to earn it without questioning or hesitation.
I need to do it and enjoy the process and journey. Enjoy the process Richard and fuck everybody else, and anybody else with the same feelings, thoughts and aspirations should do exactly the same as me.
As I mentioned initially, the day was special because I resolved my Brazilian ID yesterday. I am already focusing on the following obstacles for the second half of this year. By coincidence, the year’s second half will begin in less than a week, so it is time to prepare for these next six months to continue the change. The change cannot stop; it must continue!
Do not stop! Never stop!
In bed by 10.00 pm.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading my blog. Check out my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments.
Richard
