Flamengo, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil: 22 degrees, warm, sunny and slightly overcast.
I am still a little shocked by what happened yesterday between Julie and me, and to make matters worse, I went no-contact with her.
I could not take any more of the stress, the lack of peace and respect, and the feeling of being both manipulated and taken away from, diverted from my priorities.
I’m certainly not proud of it, but maybe, for now, it needed to be done. I’m feeling a little lost at the moment. It’s as if I’m taking two steps forward and one back all the time. I need more clarity in my life, and when I think I’m getting it, something happens to knock it down or apart.
I have doubts about my mother going back to England, staying in Brazil and Julie.
This last trip to England showed me how toxic living with my mother was. When I go back, staying with her will be unbearable, and I would be stupid to do it. Finding a place to live, with all the documentation and paperwork, in England, and me being out of the country for such a long time, makes it not impossible but difficult.
I need to open a bank account and have a decent credit score to rent something. What I’m trying to say is that there is always a way; it is just a question of being positive, having faith, and letting the solution emerge through a strategy. If the strategy is wrong, your will and way will reveal themselves to you, eventually leading you to the solution.
Staying in Brazil is possible. I would not want to, but if I have to, I will. The short-term economic forecast for Brazil is, to say the least, dreadful. I am tired of Brazil’s uncertainty and insecurity, and of knowing that every year I’m getting poorer and poorer while living here.
And Julie, this beautiful, perfect little woman I so much liked even before going out with her, is not so perfect now, and neither am I. Is Julie the principal reason I want to live in England? If so, am I crazy, blind, and not thinking properly?
In the last weeks we were together, I felt alone, even when I was with her. I had liked this woman, had done everything to please her, and received very little in return. Maybe because of that, I am more wrong than she is.
I love the tranquillity of England, the contact with nature, and walking along the canal. It was a safe haven for me from the confusion of Rio, the big city with 6 million people and the pollution and noise that come with it.
If I bought land in Terasopolis, the mountain area not far from Rio, and built a small house there in the future, maybe I would have my peace, and I might have more favourable weather than in England, even though I had got used to the cold there.
Let’s see again.
The exchange rate at the moment is 7 Reias to 1 British pound. Living in England will not be cheap, but that is really not the issue. The real issue is Julie, or it was, and I do not know anymore.
Am I trying to please everybody and not myself, or am I being selfish and just thinking about myself, or is it that I’m stupid, last, broken, the word of the moment about people, and there’s no hope?
Again, let’s see.
All lined up, I have to continue and stay focused. Alex is configuring the site. Once he has done that, I will ask him to do other work on other sites until I’m making money.
And I want to live alone. Enough of living in other people’s places, my mother’s, Nalva’s, etc. I should be back at my own place, in my own bed, with my own schedule, my routine, without upsetting or bothering others.
In bed by 10 p.m.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
