Flamengo, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil: 27 degrees, hot, Sunny and beautiful blue skies; a beautiful day.
I’ve been in England for just under two weeks, and the long-distance conversations between Julie and me are starting to feel stressful.
It has become more difficult when I cannot speak to her, either because I am working, have something to do, or because Nalva or someone else is there. It is not as if I am hiding anything; it is more a matter of privacy. Since I am sleeping on the couch in Nalva’s flat, which is her place, I need to respect that by not openly talking to Julie, my girlfriend, in front of her, as that would be disrespectful.
I’m not hiding anything from Nalva or Julie, but it is a delicate situation, and I put myself in it. I feel that I am always caught between two women, my mother and Julie in England, and now Julie and Nalva in Brazil.
I also feel that this visit to Brazil and living with Nalva feels different from the last time. This time, everything seems both better and worse to me. It’s better because I get to see my daughter, Yasmin, and exercise in a park facing the bay. In many ways, I feel better with myself because I am back in Brazil and no longer under my mother’s rule.
Worse in almost everything else. Brazil is worse; food and prices in shops and on the streets are more expensive, which makes it worse. Flamengo is surprisingly dirtier, and I am more sensitive to traffic and noise; the heavy traffic on the streets generally makes it worse.
We’re in winter in Brazil; it’s hot and humid. It feels more uncomfortable and, therefore, worse.
I feel that the honeymoon period upon arriving in Brazil concerning my relationship with Nalva is, in some ways, no longer as it was before and appears worse. It is clear that one of the reasons I returned was to resolve loose ends, and one of those was my relationship with Nalva regarding money.
I’ve already spoken to her a few times to show and inform her that she needs to be more financially responsible in the future and that I won’t be able to support her as I have in the past. A time will come when she will need to stand on her own. I can help her, but there will be a limit, and there won’t be a way to bail her out if she makes the wrong choices.
I have already considered gradually reducing my financial commitments over time. When I decide to do this, I will tell her that I will pay X for six months or a year, and after that year, the following year will be X minus a percentage, and so on.
Perhaps I am now considering gradually reducing by 25% each year over a couple of years. So, my relationship with Nalva has deteriorated, even though it remains good. It is worse because, being worse, there is no genuine prospect of a future return, as there never really was any real possibility of one.
I love Brazil, and the years I have spent here have been very good, even though it hasn’t been easy and I have suffered a lot. But I am sure it will not be my home for the rest of my life.
The truth is, I’m fed up with being poor here in Brazil, and politicians arguing among themselves like children; it is hard for a country to have a future.
I have always maintained that nothing thrives in chaos, and this accurately reflects the situation in Brazil.
Perhaps I have lost Julie while trying to resolve things; I will only find out on my return, or maybe it was never meant to be, just those couple of months when I was in England.
In bed by 11 p.m.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
